Gun-toting Ant -

The gun is glued to the ant’s thorax. This is not ergonomic. The ant drags one side of its body, leaving tiny, furious drag marks across my countertop. I’ve seen it try to climb a vertical wall. It spun helplessly like a broken ceiling fan. Gun-toting? More like gun-dragging.

Gun-Toting Ant ( Formicida armatus ) Price: $19.99 (plus shipping, handling, and liability waiver) Rating: ⭐ (1/5) – Would give 0 stars if I could The Pitch “Tiny. Angry. Armed.” That’s the slogan on the box. The idea, apparently, is that you receive a single live ant (species unspecified) outfitted with a custom-fabricated, microscopic firearm. The ant is “trained” (their word, not mine) to defend your picnic, desk plant, or sad leftover pizza slice from intruders. The Reality Where do I begin? gun-toting ant

No one. Possibly terrorists with very small hands. The gun is glued to the ant’s thorax

My ant, whom I’ve named “El Chapito,” immediately tried to shoot a breadcrumb. The recoil from its 0.0001-caliber pistol sent it flying across the kitchen, where it accidentally fired again and took out a ladybug on the windowsill. The ladybug survived, but its self-esteem didn’t. I’ve seen it try to climb a vertical wall

You cannot hear the gunshot. But you can hear the ant’s tiny, high-pitched war cry. It sounds like a mosquito being stepped on by a mouse. At 3 AM, that sound is everywhere. Attempted Return I contacted the seller, “Tiny Tactical LLC.” Their support email bounced back with an auto-reply: “Our ants do not accept refunds. They have claimed squatter’s rights.” Final Verdict Do not buy the Gun-Toting Ant. It will not protect you. It will unionize your other arthropods. It will fire negligently at a sesame seed. And one day, you will find it standing on your phone, aiming at your thumb, demanding more sugar.

Within an hour, El Chapito had formed a militia with three other ants from under the fridge. They now guard the toaster with a zeal that is both impressive and terrifying. I cannot make toast without a written negotiation.