[Camera pans to a three‑foot plastic tree in the corner, leaning. On top: a pickle ornament.]

(quietly) Thanks.

We are not doing Secret Snowflake. We are doing a ChristmaKwanzaaSolstice‑Fleece blanket swap. One gift. No tracking. No trauma.

[Final shot: The Abbott staff crowded into Ava’s tiny office – Jacob is crying over a “buddy the elf” meme, Melissa is arm‑wrestling Mr. Johnson for the last gingerbread man. The camera pulls back to show a hand‑drawn sign on the door: “HOLIDAY HOOKAH – BYO SPIRIT.”]

(to Gregory, who’s nursing coffee) I’m reviving the Abbott Secret Snowflake. Last year, someone got Mr. Johnson a single cashew.